Old Post, New Post

So, I found this post that I had written way back in 2013, about 6 months after I had returned from Vancouver. Re-reading it, especially with the travel I'm going to be doing at the end of the year, it's surprising how relevant, and exacting it is, even now. I have trouble explaining to people about the itch under my skin, the drive to travel, the urge to see new places, the feeling of homesickness for places I've never been.

So, I thought I would re-post it, with a little editing to make it more relevant to today, rather than 2 years ago.

I did some research, (and by research I mean Google-ing), and I think I had reverse culture shock.

Sounds stupid right, that you can be shocked by what you've always known, what you grew up with, what is, and has always been, familiar and safe.

But, it is apparently a real phenomenon. 

I had heard of culture shock. It's something you read about a lot when you're preparing to go overseas,

especially to places that are very different to your native culture. It was a familiar term to me, the meaning very clear. The disorientation, the unfamiliarity of a culture that isn't your own. 

The differences between what you know, and where you are now.

Funnily enough, I have never really experienced culture shock. 

Maybe it's the anticipation I feel every time I book a new trip,

or the excitement I feel when packing and boarding the plane.

Maybe it's the wonder I feel (after the jet lag),

when I make it to another country, and get to experience all the differences their culture has to offer.

Maybe it's because my first trip was when I was 11 and we went to Fiji,

saw the way they Fijians live,

with their huts with dirt floors,

living on practically no money,

them being so thankful when dad gave them a $5 tip.

Maybe it's because my first major overseas trip was to Japan,

when I was 16,

after having been learning about the country,

and learning to speak the language,

from the time I was 8.

Whatever the reason, I have never felt that disassociation.

Just wonder and excitement.

Until I came home the last time.

From Vancouver.

It was the longest I had been away.

But it was only 6 months.

I didn't think it would have that big an impact on me.

I was wrong.

And the more research I did,

the more it felt like someone finally understood me.

The itching under my skin, the need to move,

the depressing thoughts, the ups and downs.

Mum spoke to a friend of hers who mentioned feeling the same way after she and her husband (then boyfriend) came back from Europe. 

This feeling of depression, and the up and down emotional roller coaster you seem to be on when you're latest adventure is over. 

So... as I do... I Googled it. And came up with reverse culture shock. I was completely unsure that this was what I was feeling. It felt a little like depression, but I knew I wasn't depressed, and the psychologist inside me wanted answers. 

Preferably ones that were solid, and quantifiable. So, I read journal entries, blogs, even research papers on this phenomenon.

And, the more I read, the more I felt like I was finally being understood. 

I found myself nodding, and 'ah ha-ing' as I read these first hand accounts of coming home after being abroad. 

As people listed symptoms and feelings, it was like I finally found someone who understood me and what I was feeling. 

No more 'stop being so depressing', or 'why do you have to compare everything'? 

And, as someone who has traveled a fair bit, 

with a group of friends made up of people who haven't, 

or barely traveled, 

it was really hard to explain to people I've known for 15 years or more,

how I felt and why I felt that way.

I found a few websites that list the symptoms of this problem, and I have most of them:

• Restlessness, rootlessness? Yep, in abundance. I feel like I have an itch under my skin that I can't seem to shake. I have a need to keep moving, to keep doing. It's hard to explain to someone that this restlessness can't be overcome simply by getting a job/going to work/studying again. It's under your skin.
• Reverse homesickness? Kinda. I didn't really meet a lot of people, but I miss the few I made great friendships with, and, more than that... I miss the place. I miss Vancouver. I miss the hustle and bustle of a large city. I miss being in the middle of the hive of activity.
• Boredom, insecurity, uncertainty, confusion, frustration? Yep. In spades. I am very bored. Again, not the kind of boredom that can be overcome by working. It's the kind of boredom that needs an active outlet. Like rock climbing. Or bungee jumping. or being lost in the middle of a city you know nothing about. It's very hard to describe this to someone who hasn't traveled, and even harder to get them to understand. Frustration is probably my main problem. Everything is frustrating to me at the moment. Everything from my job, to my friends, to the shopping center, to my car. Again... very hard to describe and explain.

There are others, but these are the main ones I feel. 

It's hard to explain how I feel, and how I've changed. 

It's like I no longer fit into my skin. 

I feel alienated from my family, my friends, my home town. 

I have a need to get lost in cities like Paris, Milan, Tokyo, New York, and of course Vancouver. 

I have a need to go to places I've never been.

Ireland feels like home when I look at pictures, even though I've never been.

I have also found that, while people ask about your travels, they don't really care. 

They don't remember where you were, they don't know how long you've been gone for. 

Their eyes glaze over if you answer their questions in more than a few words. 

They don't care about what you've seen, or experienced, or done. 

The food you've eaten, the people you've met. 

I don't know if it's jealousy, or if they really just don't care. 

But it's not just other people. 

It's me. 

I've changed. 

While I've felt for a few years that my hometown isn't where I'm supposed to be,

coming home from a multicultural, hustling, bustling city like Vancouver,

my hometown just seems incredibly small, boring, and closed minded.

I often wonder what I'll do for fun, and in my spare time.

My tolerance for other languages, and cultures,

my need to see and experience new and varied things,

feels out of place in such a small country town. 

A few people I thought of a nice have showed me the ugly side 

with jealously and irritation if I so much as mention travel. 

I've found that the things I think about, 

and values I feel are close to my heart, 

aren't really considered here. 

The 'me' that I found in Vancouver, 

the 'me I feel is the real me, 

just doesn't fit here. 

People knew me before I went away, 

and they expect that I'll still be the same person. 

(Of course, most of these people haven't traveled.) 

It's hard to explain how living in another country 

(even one as similar to Aus as Canada) 

can change you so much, and so fundamentally. 

For example, an older guy was sitting at the bar when I finished a shift when I was working at the bar not long after I came home

and we somehow got onto the topic of travel. 

He couldn't understand how I could see other countries 

when I haven't seen my own. 

(something my grandmother also doesn't understand)

Trying to explain to him that I wanted to see the world while I was young enough, 

fit enough, 

and healthy enough to sit on a plane for 12, 15 or 24 hours, 

and get lost in a city with no problems

and few fears was met with blank stares.

This lead to 'aren't you scared travelling by yourself that something will happen to you?' 

To which I replied 'how is moving to Vancouver where I know no-one 

any different that moving to Sydney where I know no-one?' 

He didn't have an answer for that, 

but you could tell he was pissed off that I had an answer for every question he had. 

It's these type of reactions I've been getting since I first traveled. 

The most fun (can you hear the sarcasm?) 

part of this reverse culture shock, 

is the general feeling of irritability, 

anxiety, 

and restlessness. 

I've been sleeping quite a bit, 

but invariably 30 minutes before I go to bed those underlying emotions 

and thoughts that I can suppress during the day pop up. 

I feel like a pregnant woman with my emotions all over the place. 

I'll be perfectly happy and then get in the shower and before I know it I'm in tears. 

The itch under my skin to move 

and see 

and experience different things is like a little voice in the back of my mind. 

My thoughts are like bouncy balls... 

all over the place. 

It's like someone dropped a box of ping pong balls into my brain, 

and they're left to bounce their way all over the place, 

pinging and ponging through my range of emotions 

and thoughts the second my brain has nothing to occupy it. 

I cry more lately than I have in years. 

There's this irrepressible ache in my chest to board the next plane to Vancouver... 

Or anywhere...

London is next on my list

if I only had the money to do so. 

I feel this overwhelming pressure 

(both internally and externally) 

to 'get over' my feelings 

and start to sort out my life 

so I have a beautifully wrapped answer to the question of 'what's next?' 

I have people telling me that I'm 28, 

and I need to get on with the rest of my life. 

That I need to find a man,

settle down,

buy a house and have a family.

That I need to sort out a career.

That I can't be broke and travel forever. 

I have to eventually come back down to earth.

But what if I don't want to?

 

Sometimes, 

looking at the list of things I want to do, 

and see, 

and experience, 

I wonder if I'll ever get to do it all. 

And I wonder if I'll ever fit in. 

I am a little disheartened, 

when I read all these accounts of people who are still experiencing reverse culture shock 

4, 5 or even 10 years after returning home. 

God help me if that's the case with me. 

I might just go insane. 

I feel myself comparing Australian and Canadian culture. 

And I find myself comparing my hometown to Vancouver. 

Which is ridiculous because not only are they in different countries, 

but ones a small country town, 

and the other is a major city. 

But there are times I wish I was could call Clare and meet for drinks and dinner at the Local, 

or spend an hour deciding on the best cupcakes or ice cream flavour. 

I wish I could meet Lindsay for coffee and fan girl over the latest Supernatural episode. 

I need my family and friends to understand that, 

while I'm happy to see them, 

it doesn't mean that I don't miss Vancouver and the people I met immensely, 

and want to get on the next available flight to go back.

I need them to understand that,

my urge to travel,

to do and to see and to experience,

doesn't mean that I don't love them

It doesn't mean that I don't want the husband,

the kids,

the career, the white picket fence.

It just means that I won't put my life on hold,

while I find that man,

who will give me kids,

and the career,

and the family dream.

But having a name for what I'm feeling, 

and knowing I'm not the only one, 

has made me feel better. I

t's not taking the ache away, 

or stopping the tears when I look at photo's, 

or see updates on Facebook from the people I've left behind, 

but it helps a little.

And knowing that,

in 5 months time,

I'll be getting back on a plane,

and heading to London,

catching up with friends,

meeting new people,

experiencing new things

that makes me feel better too.

28 Things...

In honour of my birthday I have decided to jump on the bandwagon and present

a few things I have learned over the years.

28 things in fact, as I am now 28!

1) TRAVEL!!!

It really doesn't matter whether you explore your state, country, region or the world,

just get out and travel. It broadens your horizons, opens you up to things you would never expect,

you get to meet new people, try new things, stand on your own two feet,

even reinvent yourself if that's what you wish.

It doesn't matter where you go,

or for how long,

or why.

Travel because you want to with a tour group,

travel on your own with a map,

travel on exchange with your school or uni,

Go for a weekend,

or a week,

or a month,

or a year

Go on your own,

with a partner,

with family

or friends.

Just get out there and see what you can.

2) You get what you pay for.

Mostly. How many times have you bought a cheap pair of jeans, or shoes, or underwear,

maybe cheap makeup or hair products?

How many times have you broke them, worn them out, thrown them out 

because they don't live up to your expectations?

I always did, but I have since come to the realisation that,

more times than not,

you get what you pay for

I now have no issue shelling out for a decent pair of shoes

(boots and heels are a weakness)

because I'm going to wear them into the ground,

and your feet are the building blocks of your body

I have a skincare routine that costs a small fortune,

but the bottles and tubes last a lot longer than the cheaper stuff,

and I don't have to use as much

(not that all cheaper skin care is bad, because it's not)

And I have found that the more expensive make up

lasts a lot longer than cheaper stuff,

doesn't wear off,

doesn't make my skin break out,

and I don't need as much.

3) Always remove you makeup before bed.

It took me ages to get into the routine of this,

especially after a night out

but invest in make up wipes, and it's easy to remove your make up

(like brushing your teeth)

even through the beet goggles

(and you don't wake up looking like a clown,

or with one on your pillow)

4) Take time out of your day to stop and just be...

Take some time out.

Go for a walk, read a book, meditate, do yoga

Do something FOR YOU!

How many times do we get to the end of the day,

look back at it,

and it's full of work, shopping,

study,

looking after family, and friends?

You will feel better if you take

even 30 mins a day for you!

5)Read

Anything,

Everything!

It doesn't matter if it's a New York best seller,

if it's horror or romance,

If it's teen or a classic

Read anything you can get your hands on.

You'll be amazed at what you find interesting,

and what you don't

6) Be Prepared, but be prepared to change

One thing travel teaches you,

is that even the best made plans go awry,

Planes get delayed, or cancelled,

or you miss a connecting flight,

your luggage gets lost or damaged,

your hotel has double booked your room,

or booked the wrong dates.

But, when this happens,

you have to improvise, and change your plans

It's important to prepare for what you can,

but at the same time,

you need to be flexible,

and prepared to do something different.

Curve balls pop up all the time,

having plans, contingency plans,

and going with the flow,

will help you deal with them.

7) Find a hairdresser, dentist, doctor, beautician that gets you

These people will become people you

need to be honest with,

and they need to be people you can trust

I'm sure we've all walked out of the hairdressers,

or the beauticians,

with something we haven't liked,

or annoyed because they wouldn't listen

When you find one you like,

hold on and don't let go! 

8) Don't waste your weekends!

Or days off, depending on your work schedule

I love a sleep in as much as the next person.
(especially after working 5am starts)

but there's something really rewarding about having been productive on my days off

whether that's getting all the chores out of the way

or meal prepping for the week

It helps make the work days easier too

9) Appreciate your Friends

Sounds simple, but it's true

It doesn't matter how long you've been friends for,

just how solid your friendships are

I have friends I've known for over a decade,

and friends I've know for only a few years or less,

They are all important to me,

and I make sure to let them know. 

The older you get, the smaller your friendship circles become,

but the more important your friendships are.

10) Focus on your health

Physical, mental, and spiritual

And do it for the right reasons.

Doing it to look good, or for summer,

to fit into a bikini, or because all your friends are doing it,

is only going to lead to more weight gain,

unhappiness,

and going around in circles.

Focus on you, and your overall health,

not a dress size

11) Learn what clothes suit your body type,

but throw out the other rules.

If you want to wear blue and green,

or polka dots with stripes,

go right ahead,

But some people just can't wear certain items of clothing.

If you can spare the money, hire a stylist.

Most shopping centers these days have one

you can book a session for a few hours

to help you work out what looks good.

12) Trust your body

Some days you can run a 5km easily.

other days you just feel like a yoga session,

today you might feel like light foods like soups and salads,

other days you eat like a horse, and who cares about the calories.

Trust your body to know what it's doing.

The more you listen to it,

the better you'll feel. 

It will all balance out.

See a doctor if you feel anything is seriously wrong,

but otherwise, trust your body.

It knows what it's doing

13) Find exercise you actually like

Doesn't matter if everyone you know lives yoga,

but you prefer pole dancing,

or if you love to box,

but everyone else likes to swim,

Find something you love, and it won't be a chore anymore,

it'll be something you look forward to.

14) Start Saving

My mum told me to save at least 10% of my pay every payday,

right from the first day I started working.

It's something I still continue to do to this day.

Whether it's saving for a holiday,

or savings in case something happens,

save a certain amount each paycheck.

I have accounts my pay is automatically split between,

that way I can't spend it as soon as I get it.

15) Keep your spaces clean

As I've gotten older,

I've discovered the joy that is clean spaces.

Whether it's the kitchen with the washing up done,

the benches wiped down, and counters clear,

or a study space free of clutter,

my brain thinks so much clearer,

and easier when there's less mess.

16) Spend time with your parents and grandparents

They're getting older, the same way you are,

They won't be around forever,

so spend time with them while you can.

Listen to their stories, and their wisdom,

you'll be amazed at what you learn,

and what you discover.

17) You don't have to do things just because others do

You don't have to like the same things your friends do,

you don't have to go places because someone else is,

you don't need to do or be or say things because that's what your family expects.

You are your own person,

you can do your own things.

18) Spend time alone

Take some time to decompress,

unwind,

relax,

refresh.

Take a time out from people,

and reconnect with you.

Take some time,

regularly if you can.

and unplug from the world.

Turn your phone off,

stay away from the computer,

and the internet,

and the TV

Step away from the hustle and bustle,

the constant need for attention,

and approval.

Step away from looking at Instagram,

and Facebook,

at what everyone else is doing.

Guaranteed,

you'll be happier when you get back to the world.

19) Go with your gut,

Use your head,

but always let your instincts guide you.

My best memories come from times I've let my gut rule my head.

Your head is concerned with what ifs,

and maybes,

and laters.

Your instincts are concerned with now,

why nots,

and who cares.

Use your head,

but don't let it overrule your instincts.

20) Don't compare

Comparison is the thief of joy,

and it's something I've learned personally.

Stop comparing your life,

with what you see of everyone elses

through Facebook and Instagram.

You're living your life,

you're seeing the highlights of everyone else's.

Don't compare your bad days,

with everyone else's best days.

21) Learn from Children

Take time everyday

to laugh, and play

It's good for the soul.

22) It's ok to want to like your job

We all want to be employed in a job that we love,

that we enjoy,

that we don't dread going to every day.

We might not say it,

but we do.

No one wants to work in a job that makes them miserable

23) But it's ok to want a better one

Like the above, unless you are employed in your dream job,

almost everyone wants to work in a better job.

Whether it's more money,

a different location,

a different industry,

or just a promotion,

lots of people want a better job.

Don't me ashamed for wanting that too.

24) Don't wait for a special occassion

How many times have you looked at something,

an outfit, jewellery,

shoes, underwear,

and thought, 'It's nice, but I have nowhere to wear it,'

How many times have you looked at your silk sheets and deemed them too nice to use,

or the candle too nice to burn.

Every day is a special day.

You're alive,

you're with family,

or friends,

you've had a great day,

or a terrible one,

You were sacked,

or promoted

You were asked out on a date,

or you're having dinner by yourself,

You feel bad about yourself,

or you just feel exceptionally good on a particular day.

All these are great reasons to wear the special jewellery,

or to burn that beautiful smelling candle,

or wear that sexy underwear.

You're alive,

That's reason enough.

25) Don't take no for an answer

26) Breathe

Everything looks easier when you've taken a few deep breaths.

It calms you down and helps you think.

Take a few deep breaths now,

see how you feel.

27) Just because you aren't where you thought you would be,

doesn't mean you aren't where you are supposed to be

One thing with working with people a lot younger than me,

is the way I can see just how much I've changed from the 17 year old I was.

I remember being 17,

I was graduating high school,

starting university,

my whole life ahead of me.

I had these big plans laid out.

of what my life would look like at 25,

and 30,

and 28.

28 seemed so far off.

I was going to be married,

own a house,

be working in a law firm,

be pregnant, or at least trying.

My life was going to be perfect.

Flash forward to now.

I'm single,

renting a place (on my own),

working in retail as a means to an end,

studying.

Not exactly the picture I thought it would be,

But,

at 17, I never imagined I'd have lived in the States and Canada,

worked in a ski resort in California,

that I would be filling out applications to live and work in England

I never dreamed of the friends I've met,

or that I'd lose the ones I've lost.

Or the experiences I've had,

the things I've seen,

and done,

the people I've met.

I'm not where I thought I'd be,

but I think I'm in a better place anyway.

28) Be Happy

That's the most important one.

Regardless of what life throws at you,

what happens or doesn't,

what you, or other people expect of you,

what you want,

or don't,

 make sure you're happy.

Do what you want,

and don't let people's opinion deter you.

You can't make everyone happy,

just make sure you make you happy.

Change Is A Good Thing... Right?

I said earlier this year that it would be a year of change, but I would never have guessed how right I would be.

Last week, mum and dad officially sold their house. The one I grew up in. The one I spent 18 years, give or take, living in, and boomeranging home to when I had setbacks, or I came back from gallivanting around the world.

It's not the first house my parents have sold. It's not even the first home they have sold. 

I was 10 the first time we moved, and I rebelled as any child would. 

I didn't want to move. I didn't want to leave my friends, and the only place I'd ever known.

But, as happens, I had to. Dad's job moved, mum, my sister and I followed.

We made new friends, learned new skills, found new hobbies, had more opportunities than we would have had if we had stayed in that small town.

This time it's different.

Mum and dad decided to put the house on the market on the Sunday, it was on the market on Monday.

They thought it would take a few months, at least, to sell, probably more like a year.

Within the week they had an offer. I know people who have had houses on the market for over a year without even one offer.

They took it, and the rest is history.

I was a little sad, but it was the right decision. It's the best thing for them. 

It took them a few weeks to slowly move everything into the new house. They just packed up bits and pieces, and moved over a few weeks, which was less stressful than moving everything in a few days. 

It feels a little weird, because now mum and dad are renting a house in the same town, only a few streets from the other house. Last time we actually moved towns.

(I actually went the wrong way yesterday out of habit. Now I have to remember to turn right, not left at the first intersection).

It was weird to see someone elses car in the driveway.

But,

The rented house feels a little more like home now that most of the things have been unpacked.

They're not unpacking everything. They've decided to only unpack what they'll need, so they don't have to pack up everything when they decide to move to the other house.

My parents have a house new Newcastle that is currently rented. They have been talking about knocking it down and re-building for years, but they can't decide on a layout, or builder, so it's on hold right now. 

But they have come to A decision. 

Finally...

They are going to tell their renter that he must be out of the house by the end of September. 

They'll keep the house empty so that they can use it as a holiday house, and go down whenever one of us wants to use it, whether that's me, my sister, or my parents, and our friends.

It's a step in the right direction, and at least now they'll be able to leave fairly easily if they get jobs down there, as opposed to having to sell the house.

Dad wanted to know what I am going to do with all my furniture when I go to London at the end of the year.

Now it can go into the house down there. Then they'll have 2 bedroom settings, a fridge, washing machine, lounge, microwave, and various kitchen utensils etc. They won't need to worry about fitting out the house, and I won't need to worry about what to do with all my stuff.

It really has been a year of change, and it's only April. What else does the year hold I wonder...

New Ink!!!

So, I did it

I've been wanting this tattoo for ages,

and ages,

and ages,

but I never really worked up the courage to actually get it done.

Maybe because I wasn't really sure what exactly I wanted.

I knew I wanted the quote

"not all those who wander are lost"

But I wasn't sure where or how.

Then I had the bright idea to put it on my ribs

In 3 lines.

Inspiration from Lord of the Rings

I thought

I know the ribs hurt,

but it's only 7 words,

3 little lines,

less than 10cm across,

it'll be fine.

I think the pillow on the bed thing now has my nail marks in it.

The artist kept telling me to breathe normally,

because I kept holding my breath.

It hurt like hell,

but it only took about 30-45 mins.

I'm not exactly sure.

I have to thank the guys at 2012 Tattoo in Newcastle,

and Marc in particular,

for doing such a great job.

I called up on the Thursday afternoon,

Marc had an open spot Friday,

I took it.

We did all our communication via email,

I sent pictures of what I wanted,

where I wanted,

and some script ideas

so he could get a rough idea of how I wanted it,

with a rough size guide.

When I got there yesterday,

Marc had it all drawn up,

then shrank it a little because I felt it was too big.

Now, I'm glad I didn't go any smaller,

I think it would have looked too small.

I am absolutely in love,

and I'm already planning my next one on my wrist.