Well, hi there

So, I planned to take a social media time out. Which I did...

Clearly.

But, I never planned to take this long off. A whole year and a bit...

Oops.

Oh well.

The time out was good for me. For a while there I started obsessing about what everyone else was doing, then I started asking questions, then it just made me miserable.

You know, when everyone you went to school/uni with are settling down, having families, and just getting their lives sorted?

I started asking why that wasn't happening with me. Where did I go wrong? What was so bad about me that it just wasn't happening to me?

But then, when I took Facebook away, and stepped away from Tumblr, and blogs etc, I realised that while I want that, eventually, I don't want that right now. 

I mean sure, if Mr. Right happened to walk in the door (or Mr, Right Now, I'm not picky, I've been single for many, many years) I wouldn't say no, but there are many many things I want to do before babies, and mortgages. You know? Like travel to Europe and the UK, and do things, and meet people and have fun. Not have to worry about what everyone else wants to do.

It made me feel good and kind of re-centered me again.

So, you know how you have some good years and some bad years? And then you have those years that are kinda good, and kinda bad?

I had the last one.

Although, it was more like the beginning and the end were good, the middle... not so much.

Let me recap the highlights and the lowlights for you:

January: A month of highlights:

• I was offered the job of personal trainer for a gym I was a member of. Literally, mum was having a walk through, thinking of joining, and the woman who was leading her around knew me, and asked if I wanted to be a personal trainer at the gym. I said yes, put in my resume (which was really just a formality), and got the job, plus 15 hours a week in reception as well, so I got to quit my job at the pub.

• I also sat an interview in Sydney for a job in a call center. Not what I want to do, but stable hours, and a stable income, which I haven't ever really had. This job offer should have been a sign.

• I also moved out of mum and dad's house (hopefully for the last time), and in with a friend of mine. It was amazing!!! No parents asking 'where are you going?', 'who are you going with?', 'when will you be home?' type questions. Surely I'm not the only one who has parents that treat you like a child again when you're living under their roof? Right?

February: A bit of an everything month:

• I was settling into my new job and loving it. I had many clients, and was really busy. I absolutely loved it. We started an 8 week challenge, and my clients were doing really well.

• However, I started my new year of uni, and while I really enjoyed my exercise science class (possibly because a lot of it was recap from the year before), my anatomy class moved too fast with too much information. (So many people complained about the info overload, and the issues we had with getting the lectures etc that we were all given special consideration for our exam which gave us an automatic 5 marks on top of our exam mark).

• Was still loving living at home

March: Nothing worth mentioning.

April: Lows, Many, many lows

• We finished our 8 week challenge to find many miners (I live in a coal mining town) were losing, or going to lose their jobs, so my PT work went downhill really fast. I was getting maybe 4-5 clients a week at most.

• One of my high school 'enemies' (we weren't really enemies, she disliked me, I hated her back, but I pretty much ignored her while she went out of her way to make me miserable), had a public go at me on her facebook page. While she never mentioned me by name she did put 'the personal trainer at insert workplace name' and made mention of what I was eating (which was wrong). When someone made mention that maybe I didn't eat like that all the time, she told them that I was very overweight and unfit. Made for a very miserable me for a few weeks. And yes, I was overweight, and I still am (although I am starting to work on this again), but she didn't need to publicly shame me. And the gym just put up a note around the gym telling people to be courteous to other people. Strike one against my employer.

• Went to res school (where we basically sit in lectures, and do all out practical work. I met up with some great people I met the year before, but felt like I was just so far out of my depth it wasn't funny.

• Lost my hours in reception, because I had too many clients and they didn't want me splitting the shifts. (In hindsight this should have been a sign too).

May: 

• My birthday!!!! I specifically took this day off, and had a spa day. I also had a session with a psychic (a friend of my then housemate) which is a whole other post on it's own.

June: highs!!!

• I managed to pass my exams!!! Pass for anatomy (which I thought I would fail), and credit for exercise science!!! Yay!!! happy dance was done round and round my house.

July: lows!!! lows, lows, lows.

• I was fired from my job. Basically I had only a few clients at that point in time, and the owner told me that I wasn't spending enough time there, blamed uni etc, when really the town was making no money, laying off workers left right and center, and no one had any spare money to pay a personal trainer (many people interested in PT told me that they just couldn't afford the rates and would I hold sessions outside the gym for cash in hand cheaper). Told me that if I ever wanted to come back if I tool a break from uni, or if I needed to do my prac work there, I was more than welcome to come back, Ah, no thanks. Every time I offered to do something to help get more clients it was turned down. They wanted me to start doing things for free (I already was), and they don't have the right people for me to do my training under.

• On the plus side, my few clients were sad to see me go, and I actually had one lady who demanded a refund because she had paid to have me train her and I was no longer going to be there.

August - September:

• Nothing much. Res school (again) but this time I felt a lot better about it all.

• Finally got myself back into the gym.

• Started to get down about not being able to find work.

October: highs!!!

• Finally got a job. It's only in fast food, but at least it's an income.

• Met some good people at work.

• Uni results are in!!! Credit for anatomy (a huge improvement over the first semester and only a few marks off a distinction), and a distinction for human bioscience (a few marks of a high distinction). Cue the celebrations.

November: Meh

• Decide to study over the summer to get one more unit over and done with.

• Decide to move out on my own. Started to look for a few places.

December: Highs!!!

• My little sister and her partner bought a house. (They bought it about a month before, but it settled in December).

• I got rejected for a few rental places, but then finally got a little villa type thing in the next town over. Plenty of space for me and only $90 a week more than I was paying before. I finally had my own space. Moved in the week before Christmas (the 17th)!!!

• Christmas!!!!!

So, as you can see, a little bit of a rocky year last year. Hopefully this year will be better. At least my uni units look better this year. No more foundation units, we're finally getting into the good stuff. Although I am printing out some of my lecture from last year and putting them in a binder (like my muscle and bone lectures) for future reference, because guaranteed that I'll forget things now that I'm not obsessing over them.

I also managed to catch up with friends a lot more last year, and I'm hoping to continue that even more often this year. I also have 2 girlfriends getting married this year (on the SAME BLOODY DAY!!!) and they're always occasions for get togethers.

I promise it won't take me so long to update again.

Dxo

I Think I've Found My Calling!!!

Well, maybe. Ok, so I haven't actually worked in a job that I think is my calling, but if the way I've been studying my arse off, and the marks I've been getting in return for it, are any indication, then yes, I have found my calling. And maybe, just maybe, it'll work. And I know there will be hard, incredibly hard, days in the job I want to do. And I know that, because I'm an over-sentimental person, who is way, way, waaaaay too empathetic at times, that it could, and possibly will, rip my heart out at times, and there will be days I will just want to go home and cry, I am so ready for this. And now I'm rambling

I'm sure I said this before, but I'm currently studying a Bachelor of Sports and Exercise Science in Clinical Exercise Physiology. I will, next year, transfer into the new Bachelor of Clinical Exercise Physiology. There are new rule changes and the uni has split the degree into 2 separate ones and there was a lot of jumping up and down from everyone including me, but now that it has all died down, and I've had some time to think about it, the new rules are definitely better (from my perspective anyway). In the current degree there is an awful lot of science subjects. And I know, it's a science degree, but we were studying the biology of cane toads and plants when I'm going to be working with living, breathing humans. I have no need to dissect another cane toad. I don't think I had any reason to in the first place but that is another argument.  We also studied chemistry, which is another good subject, and I'm sure it does end up having a lot to do with what I am studying as well, but I would rather have the unit organised to suit what I'm studying. And I know that sounds selfish, and probably stupid ok, I know it sounds stupid and selfish but when I'm studying a new chapter and idea every week, and I can't see how it relates to me and my studies, I find my attention wavering, and it get's hard to concentrate. If I was doing biochemistry I would have been fine but I'm sure that I'll cover that in later biomechanics classes. And then there was math, and I'm not really sure why I needed to take that class. Maybe it was just to torture us? I didn't like calculus in high school, I hate it even more now. And again, I'm sure it has relevance to other degrees, like engineering etc, but it just didn't feel relevant to me. Yes, I like to know what I'm studying is relevant. I'm someone who learns through doing more than just reading and listening. I was sitting in my biomechanics exam waving my arms and legs around as I tried to work out some of the answers.

Anyway, moving on. SO, the new rules are more prac based (as in, they are less sciency based and more biomechanics based so we aren't spending the first 2 years of our degree saying 'we're studying sports science, why are we looking at plants, and the hardness of diamonds) there's that relevancy thing again, and yes, I know you need the basics to start with, but this course has a 70% drop out rate because the first years don't have enough relevancy to what we want to do at the end. Prime reason for the rule changes

Yay!!! for more relevancy. The downside? It turns into a 5 year degree, and, because I'm doing it mostly part time it's going to take most of my lifetime probably another 6-8 years! downside :(

However, this is definitely something I want to do, something that I can see myself doing for the rest of my life, or at least for a long time :D

Exam results come out (I think) next week, so hopefully the results will show the work I've put in this semester.

But, here's to 2 weeks of time off, and reading things that aren't textbooks :D

Well Hi There...

So, I've been trying for days, weeks really, to figure out how to start this blog. What do I talk about? How do I start it? What should my first post be about? How much do I tell you guys? Do I tell you everything, or should I think about it some before I post everything? Should I just sit here, and let my fingers type whatever they come up with, without censoring it? Should it be a purely positive blog, or should I tell you what's going through my mind at any given point, and at any given mood. Because we all know that no one is happy 100% of every day.

In the end, I didn't come to a conclusion about any of it. But, it's my blog, so really, it should be about me, and what feels right at the time. Shouldn't it? It's supposed to be about me, finding the real me in the mess that is life. Sorting through the chatter that is the rest of the world, and focusing on me and what I want, need and feel.

So, lets get started.

I am in my mid-20's. I have no children, nor do I have a partner. Much to the dismay of my extended family. My parents and grandmother (I only have one grandparent left) don't care as long as my sister and I are happy. My extended family on the other hand? Completely the opposite. The last family reunion (dad's family) we went to, I was continuously asked where my boyfriend was, when I was getting married, when I was having kids. When my reply was I don't have one, not getting married anytime soon because I don't even have said boyfriend, and I'm not having kids until I'm settled and stable, they turned away from me to speak to cousins and 2nd cousins (my dad is one of 12) who have kids/are pregnant/getting married. To them all that counts is getting married and popping out babies. (They all live in small country towns, most of them in the same one). My 2nd cousin who is 2 and a half months older than me just had her 3rd girl. I'm happy for her, I really am. If that's what they want to do, then that's fine. But I feel like, because I don't want to do that, I'm not considered worth talking to. Well, that's been my experience anyway. When questions were asked about what I'm doing/want to do/have plans for, you can see their eyes glaze over when it's 'I'm studying at uni, I've just come home from the USA, I've got a work visa for Canada, I'm finishing a psychology degree'. They just don't seem to care. And my sister and I have learned to live with it. It doesn't mean that it no longer makes us cranky, or feel unworthy because sometimes it does. We've just learned to brush it off, and she and I sit/stand together at these things now (on the rare occasion that we go).

Via Pinterest

Via Pinterest

I'm finally starting to learn this. When I'm around family, or looking at Facebook, or sometimes around some of my friends, I can only think about what they have/are doing etc, and think, 'That's what I should be doing by now', when really, it's not what I want to be doing. When I'm on my own, or with friends who aren't having babies and building houses, I remember that, while I do want that, eventually, there is so much more that I want to do and see and experience before marriage and babies and that part of my life starts. I'm still at university. I'm living with my parents (hopefully not for much longer), I'm still finding me. I'm not ready to have babies. Would I like a partner? Yes. If Mr Right, or Mr Right Now came waltzing in my door at this moment and wanted to start a relationship I would jump at it and take it with both hands.

The life I had planned out as a 17 year old who was finishing high school didn't take into account travel, and friendship problems. It didn't take into account that what I want would change over time. I'm sure I'm not the only one. You know, when you were finishing high school you had this plan for how your life would turn out. I was going to university to study law and psychology. I was going to get amazing marks, and become a very successful criminal lawyer. I was going to make amazing friends and have a university sweetheart. I was going to be married at 26, and starting a family by 28, no later than 30. I was going to own my own apartment (on my own), then rent it out when I got married to my Prince Charming, and we'd have our own apartment in the city. We'd then buy an actual house to raise a family in with dogs and cats.

Ahh, the wisdom of youth. Lets see how this actually turned out:

I went to university to study law and psychology. Met some amazing friends and some not so amazing ones. I had a boyfriend who I adored and who adored me. But, at the end of my third year we broke up after doing long distance for nearly 18 months (we are still very good friends). At the end of my 4th year I worked in the USA over the 3 month summer/Xmas break, and learned to ski and snowboard. I loved it. When I came back I failed (twice) one unit that was compulsory and I was no longer enjoying law. So I put the law degree on hold and just completed my B Arts. That summer I moved to Sydney to study personal training while finishing my Arts degree. I moved home and worked at the same place I'd been working at for 8 years. I was 23 and single.In the May of 2011 I went back to America, this time on a Contiki tour that I had an amazing time on. I met some of the best people I know. I'm still single. Then, 12 months later, June 2012, I moved to Vancouver for 5 months. I loved it. I loved everything about it. The people I met, the friends I made, the city as a whole. I felt like I belonged there. I felt happier there than I have in a while, even though I was on my own and knew no one.When my job hunting showed no results, and my money was running out, I moved back home. I started a new degree in Exercise Physiology, and I think I have finally found my calling. I'm working casually at a pub in town and I hate it. I hate everything about it. I'm 26, still single and desperately job hunting to get out of my parents house, and my somewhat home town. (I have lived her for nearly 17 years, and still feel less at home here than I did in New York or Vancouver).

When I feel like I'm failing at life (is that even possible?) I find myself looking at quotes like the above and reminding myself that just because I'm not doing what everyone else is, it doesn't mean I'm wrong. I don't have to do what everyone else is doing it. I have to do what feels right for me. When I see the disgust on peoples faces when I tell them about my travel, or my aunt (on my mums side) tells me how much she hates flying and she argues with me about overseas travel, I take a deep breath and remind myself that travelling like I do doesn't make me a bum. It makes me someone who is eager to learn about the world, and the people and things in it. It makes me someone who wants to experience everything the world has to offer. I don't want to me living in a tiny town, in a small bubble like most of my extended family. I want to see and do and feel and experience everything. I want to have a life and feel like I've had a life.

Via Pinterest

Via Pinterest

Via Pinterest

I am hoping to move to Sydney after Xmas. That is the plan. I'm applying for jobs at the moment. Reception and medical reception at the moment, but I'll also apply for retail, the gyms and cafes etc. I'd rather a 9-5 Monday-Friday job because, from the time I was 15, I have worked (with the exception of the USA) in jobs that started anywhere from 5am, and finished up to and including 11pm and later. I don't want to work weekends anymore. I don't want to work with food. I don't want to be continually washing my hands (the skin and nails on my hands are terrible, always cracking, splitting, flaking and really really dry). I want to be able to actually have a life and go out to dinner with friends. I want to join a gym and be able to go to the classes. I want to take acting classes, or singing classes, or dance classes and be able to commit to more than 1-2 weeks at a time. I want a stable roster that isn't "this is your roster for the next 2 weeks, but we could change it any time that we need to". I want a job that has to do with the degree I'm studying. I want a job that doesn't involve waitressing, or sales. I don't mind customer service like reception, or banking but I don't want to work for supermarkets.

I know, I know. A lot of 'I don't want this, I don't want that.' I'm trying to focus on what I do want. I wrote a letter to myself from the viewpoint of this time next year, detailing all I want to happen as if it has already happened. I might put bits and pieces of it up in another post. I won't put it all up, and I'll censor some of it. But it was a really good exercise. It made me focus on what I want to have happened between now and then. What I want things to be like. Jobs, partners, houses/apartments, hobbies. So, that's what I'm focusing on at the moment. And whenever I feel like things are overwhelming me, like right now with exams next week, or my parents are harping on about one thing or another, I just take a deep breath and focus on what I want to happen. And, if positive thinking is the trick, I'll get the job, and the apartment, and the life I want. I'll move out of town, make some amazing friends, have a job I enjoy (or at least don't hate), and be able to have a life outside of study and work.

Wish me luck

D