Well Hi There...

So, I've been trying for days, weeks really, to figure out how to start this blog. What do I talk about? How do I start it? What should my first post be about? How much do I tell you guys? Do I tell you everything, or should I think about it some before I post everything? Should I just sit here, and let my fingers type whatever they come up with, without censoring it? Should it be a purely positive blog, or should I tell you what's going through my mind at any given point, and at any given mood. Because we all know that no one is happy 100% of every day.

In the end, I didn't come to a conclusion about any of it. But, it's my blog, so really, it should be about me, and what feels right at the time. Shouldn't it? It's supposed to be about me, finding the real me in the mess that is life. Sorting through the chatter that is the rest of the world, and focusing on me and what I want, need and feel.

So, lets get started.

I am in my mid-20's. I have no children, nor do I have a partner. Much to the dismay of my extended family. My parents and grandmother (I only have one grandparent left) don't care as long as my sister and I are happy. My extended family on the other hand? Completely the opposite. The last family reunion (dad's family) we went to, I was continuously asked where my boyfriend was, when I was getting married, when I was having kids. When my reply was I don't have one, not getting married anytime soon because I don't even have said boyfriend, and I'm not having kids until I'm settled and stable, they turned away from me to speak to cousins and 2nd cousins (my dad is one of 12) who have kids/are pregnant/getting married. To them all that counts is getting married and popping out babies. (They all live in small country towns, most of them in the same one). My 2nd cousin who is 2 and a half months older than me just had her 3rd girl. I'm happy for her, I really am. If that's what they want to do, then that's fine. But I feel like, because I don't want to do that, I'm not considered worth talking to. Well, that's been my experience anyway. When questions were asked about what I'm doing/want to do/have plans for, you can see their eyes glaze over when it's 'I'm studying at uni, I've just come home from the USA, I've got a work visa for Canada, I'm finishing a psychology degree'. They just don't seem to care. And my sister and I have learned to live with it. It doesn't mean that it no longer makes us cranky, or feel unworthy because sometimes it does. We've just learned to brush it off, and she and I sit/stand together at these things now (on the rare occasion that we go).

Via Pinterest

Via Pinterest

I'm finally starting to learn this. When I'm around family, or looking at Facebook, or sometimes around some of my friends, I can only think about what they have/are doing etc, and think, 'That's what I should be doing by now', when really, it's not what I want to be doing. When I'm on my own, or with friends who aren't having babies and building houses, I remember that, while I do want that, eventually, there is so much more that I want to do and see and experience before marriage and babies and that part of my life starts. I'm still at university. I'm living with my parents (hopefully not for much longer), I'm still finding me. I'm not ready to have babies. Would I like a partner? Yes. If Mr Right, or Mr Right Now came waltzing in my door at this moment and wanted to start a relationship I would jump at it and take it with both hands.

The life I had planned out as a 17 year old who was finishing high school didn't take into account travel, and friendship problems. It didn't take into account that what I want would change over time. I'm sure I'm not the only one. You know, when you were finishing high school you had this plan for how your life would turn out. I was going to university to study law and psychology. I was going to get amazing marks, and become a very successful criminal lawyer. I was going to make amazing friends and have a university sweetheart. I was going to be married at 26, and starting a family by 28, no later than 30. I was going to own my own apartment (on my own), then rent it out when I got married to my Prince Charming, and we'd have our own apartment in the city. We'd then buy an actual house to raise a family in with dogs and cats.

Ahh, the wisdom of youth. Lets see how this actually turned out:

I went to university to study law and psychology. Met some amazing friends and some not so amazing ones. I had a boyfriend who I adored and who adored me. But, at the end of my third year we broke up after doing long distance for nearly 18 months (we are still very good friends). At the end of my 4th year I worked in the USA over the 3 month summer/Xmas break, and learned to ski and snowboard. I loved it. When I came back I failed (twice) one unit that was compulsory and I was no longer enjoying law. So I put the law degree on hold and just completed my B Arts. That summer I moved to Sydney to study personal training while finishing my Arts degree. I moved home and worked at the same place I'd been working at for 8 years. I was 23 and single.In the May of 2011 I went back to America, this time on a Contiki tour that I had an amazing time on. I met some of the best people I know. I'm still single. Then, 12 months later, June 2012, I moved to Vancouver for 5 months. I loved it. I loved everything about it. The people I met, the friends I made, the city as a whole. I felt like I belonged there. I felt happier there than I have in a while, even though I was on my own and knew no one.When my job hunting showed no results, and my money was running out, I moved back home. I started a new degree in Exercise Physiology, and I think I have finally found my calling. I'm working casually at a pub in town and I hate it. I hate everything about it. I'm 26, still single and desperately job hunting to get out of my parents house, and my somewhat home town. (I have lived her for nearly 17 years, and still feel less at home here than I did in New York or Vancouver).

When I feel like I'm failing at life (is that even possible?) I find myself looking at quotes like the above and reminding myself that just because I'm not doing what everyone else is, it doesn't mean I'm wrong. I don't have to do what everyone else is doing it. I have to do what feels right for me. When I see the disgust on peoples faces when I tell them about my travel, or my aunt (on my mums side) tells me how much she hates flying and she argues with me about overseas travel, I take a deep breath and remind myself that travelling like I do doesn't make me a bum. It makes me someone who is eager to learn about the world, and the people and things in it. It makes me someone who wants to experience everything the world has to offer. I don't want to me living in a tiny town, in a small bubble like most of my extended family. I want to see and do and feel and experience everything. I want to have a life and feel like I've had a life.

Via Pinterest

Via Pinterest

Via Pinterest

I am hoping to move to Sydney after Xmas. That is the plan. I'm applying for jobs at the moment. Reception and medical reception at the moment, but I'll also apply for retail, the gyms and cafes etc. I'd rather a 9-5 Monday-Friday job because, from the time I was 15, I have worked (with the exception of the USA) in jobs that started anywhere from 5am, and finished up to and including 11pm and later. I don't want to work weekends anymore. I don't want to work with food. I don't want to be continually washing my hands (the skin and nails on my hands are terrible, always cracking, splitting, flaking and really really dry). I want to be able to actually have a life and go out to dinner with friends. I want to join a gym and be able to go to the classes. I want to take acting classes, or singing classes, or dance classes and be able to commit to more than 1-2 weeks at a time. I want a stable roster that isn't "this is your roster for the next 2 weeks, but we could change it any time that we need to". I want a job that has to do with the degree I'm studying. I want a job that doesn't involve waitressing, or sales. I don't mind customer service like reception, or banking but I don't want to work for supermarkets.

I know, I know. A lot of 'I don't want this, I don't want that.' I'm trying to focus on what I do want. I wrote a letter to myself from the viewpoint of this time next year, detailing all I want to happen as if it has already happened. I might put bits and pieces of it up in another post. I won't put it all up, and I'll censor some of it. But it was a really good exercise. It made me focus on what I want to have happened between now and then. What I want things to be like. Jobs, partners, houses/apartments, hobbies. So, that's what I'm focusing on at the moment. And whenever I feel like things are overwhelming me, like right now with exams next week, or my parents are harping on about one thing or another, I just take a deep breath and focus on what I want to happen. And, if positive thinking is the trick, I'll get the job, and the apartment, and the life I want. I'll move out of town, make some amazing friends, have a job I enjoy (or at least don't hate), and be able to have a life outside of study and work.

Wish me luck

D